No Locked Doors

My bare back rests against soft flannel sheets that fit snugly over a fluffy pillow-top mattress. Embraced by the darkness, I am alone with the thoughts that challenge much needed sleep and welcomed dreams. The temperature under my down comforter invites a coma like state, but I just can’t seem to achieve it with the swimming pool of “what to do’s,” and, “what I haven’t done’s,” floating past my closed eyes lids. No amount of dancing sheep can save me from the numbers on my glowing alarm clock that rapidly increase against my will. I imagine the clock is a bomb that will detonate once it reaches 08:00. The distraction does not help me to drift away to a dream land in which I can save the day any faster though, so I let it drift into the night that still holds me awake. Anxiety builds within my chest as I begin to pray for a release from my own mind. A prison that I must come to terms with. It is more secure than Alcatraz, better protected than any military installation, and I can never escape, alone.

Instantly I feel the calming presence of the Lord around me, the swimming thoughts and memories sink as His hands lift me up from the depths of my despair and solitude. I begin offering up pieces of myself that would otherwise also weigh me down. Instead of asking the Father to take certain things from me, such as the desire to drink or smoke cigarettes, I offer them to Him. I then ask Christ to fill the void with His peace and His presence. A list of every hurtful desire arises within my brain until I nearly call out to Him in the night without humiliation or shame. Spilling over each downfall I hold on to somewhere within myself, I give them one by one to God almighty. I see myself as if looking down from my bedroom ceiling. My warm body looks like Swiss cheese, but I still give more. The Lord openly takes my guilt, pain, shame, pride, humiliation, neglect, and self-indulgence. He begins to fill me up with Himself. Seeing it with my minds eye, it is still hard to believe, but I see it! The many holes within me are filling up, being replace by the One who holds all the keys and the One who opens all doors.

Waking the next morning, I try figuring out what time I must have finally drifted off to sleep. It does not matter though as I feel more rested and more awake and more alive than I have felt in years. Crawling out from under the heavy covers and off my soft mattress, I fall to my knees on the cold floor. I give thanks and praise to the One who freed me from my prison. A voice is present, not in my ears, but with in my heart. Feeling its presence and touching its words, it speaks to my very soul. “I am always with you and through Me you are free.”

Romans 6:14, Sin is no longer your master, for you are no longer subject to the law, which enslaves you to sin. Instead, you are free by God’s grace.

True to Thee

Matthew 5:45, In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For He gives His sunlight to both the evil and the good, and He sends rain on the just and on the unjust, too.

Rain pours down outside my bedroom window. It’s one O’clock on the dot and as I sit in the soft glow of the low lighting that surrounds me, I listen to the hum in the air. All is calm within and around me; I’m safe within my sanctuary of solace. The dismal storm that raps against my double pain window reminds me of times not too long ago- times of despair, walking the wet asphalt alone at night drunker than any ten men should be. But the rain tonight is cleansing as it pours down, unable to penetrate my domain. There is a storm outside my window, but tonight, I am dry, and I am not alone.

Staring at the coin my wife bought me when I hit six months of sobriety, I read the words beveled under my thumb, “To Thy Self, Be True”. As my life is not my own, but His, I feel that I must be true to myself, by being true to Him. I am no longer the man that walks the wet streets of downtown Portland after closing time, wandering and stumbling in search of somewhere to pass out. Dishonesty with myself told me that I was okay. Now, holding tight to the cold metal coin in my palm, how could I have ever thought that was “normal” behavior?

I’m in the eye of a new storm. One that has awakened my soul. The wind that howls around me penetrates every atom that I am made up of. That force is the Lord. Rain drenches my clothes and soaks my skin. That moisture is every tear I cried that Christ still holds in His hands, released upon me to remind me of where I’ve been. Coldness strikes my bones, allowing me to remember the warmth of His embrace. This is the cradle of His love. A truth is found in the eye of His hurricane. If I’m still, I can hear it. More than that, I can feel it calling to me, this truth. It says, “To Thy Self, Be True”.

In knowing you my Lord, let me find my true self. I praise you for weathering the storm with me. Your Holy Spirit reminds me tonight, that I am not alone. Amen!

Luke 22:28, For you have remained true to me in my time of trial.

His Love, My Passion

2 Corinthians 13:13, May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

There is a part of me that loves customer service and sales because I love being able to make people happy. I would not say that I love to work, so much as I love performing actions that lead to an end result. The end result is always love in one form or another. If I sell someone a product that will enrich their lives and brings them happiness, I have manifested love. That is a job I can find passion in.

Passion is what actually drives anyone to do anything. Going to work just to make a paycheck is an excuse, and a bad one at that. The truth is, there is a passion behind the need to make that pay check. Whether it is to provide for your family or to simply buy things to impress the world around us, there is still passion there. And the passion is love or the need to feel loved. One example could be: Your data entry employee, who loves his or her job, does not actually get a warm-fuzzy feeling from plugging numbers for eight hours a day. The passion is in the end result that gets them acknowledged for a job well done (love), and earns a wage to take to the bank in order to provide a future for his or her children (again, love).

It brings me so much pleasure to show my wife love and affection. There is nothing I would not do to make her happy. Aimee is the cheese to my macaroni and God is the butter and milk that binds us together. The passion that drives our relationship is love. As God is love, may I recognize that it is His passion in all that I do.

John 2:17, Then His disciples remembered this prophecy from the Scriptures: “Passion for God’s house burns within me.”

The Fork in the Road

Psalms 25:4, Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow.

There is a very real difference between knowing the path of Christ and walking it. Growing up going to church, I knew exactly what was expected of me as a child of God. Instead I decided to pave my own roads; make my own way in this life. The concrete I poured was never mixed properly and would crack under the intense summer sun. Breaking my back to construct the road beneath my own feet, I had put myself in a situation in which I could not raise my head to see where I was going. My future was always uncertain and dark, because my eyes could not focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I knew the right path, but instead chose my own way through a world that I do not truly belong to.

Finally, I grew tired of attempting to make my own way on the highway of choice and misdirection. I pulled over to a safe shoulder and lowered my grip on the dark future I was headed toward. Praying to the Lord I had forgotten, but who had thankfully not forgotten me, I surrendered my wayward navigational techniques. Tossing aside my hard hat and construction uniform, Christ has taken over manufacturing and illuminating the path unto my feet.

Jesus has a plan for me and I acknowledge His direction and praise His hand that holds the only compass pointing true North. My pride caused me to stumble and I can see that now, as I look back down the professionally crafted road He carries me on. He is the God who gives, and the God who takes away. Christ allowed me to try it my way, so I could know there is only ONE way, HIS way.

I could still be breaking my back today, attempting to make my own way in this world. I am grateful for the courage He fills me with… to trust Him and let go.

Psalms 119:35, Make me walk along the path of your commands, for that is where my happiness is found.

My Beacon of Hope

2 Timothy 2:21, If you keep yourself pure, you will be a vessel God can use for his purpose. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.

I grew up attending a Southern Baptist church where an old preacher in a polyester suit preached to your fears shouting, “Turn or burn! Repent or be sent!” at the top of his lungs. Our appointed leader barked behind a large, hand-crafted, pulpit that stood high above rows of hard wooden pews, filled with judgmental Christians. For an hour, and sometimes longer, we ourselves were judged. I was baptized at Mill Park Baptist, in Portland Oregon, and still hold true to values taught to me by great men who lead there. Not being a preacher myself, I choose not to preach the, “Fire and Brimstone” message to people I know and/or meet.

After the Air Force and my brief schooling in computer science at UNLV, in Las Vegas, I moved to Reno and took work at a real estate office. One of my many “primary” duties was to install and continue operating the company’s secure network, and wireless network. With wireless technology, in a large office, you use handy little gadgets are used called repeaters. Repeaters take the signal from the main wireless router and re-broadcast it, thus extending your wireless range. It’s not as strong as the original signal, but it extends its reach, with each repeater that is in place.

I like to take the good of what I learned while attending Mill Park Baptist. And there was a lot. The main message I still hold true to my heart is, God is love. You can feel love as its energy flows between two people. Picturing God as the main transmission of this pure energy, I pray to be His repeater. May His grace flow through me to show the world His love and glory. I don’t chose words that paint a picture of a fearful existence that awaits those who choose not to follow Him. Instead I try to see a light of hope that radiates from Him, through me, that touches the hearts of the masses that He puts in my path. It is a light and love they will feel as the energy raises hairs on their necks and gives them pause to wonder what it is that I have, that their souls thirst for.

He is my beacon of hope, my transmitter of love, and radiator of grace. I am just another repeater in His network of children. May I serve Him well.

Galatians 2:20, I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

He Hasn’t Given Up On Me

2 Corinthians 4:8, We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don’t give up and quit.

Not always giving myself due credit for the things I’m capable of, I sometimes fall short in my own mind. I was once the master ringleader in the nightmare circus of mentally beating myself down. It was a perpetual chain of events that would start with me not being good enough at my job or a relationship, and ended with going to a bar or to my quiet bedroom, where I could hide and drink alone. The easy road was to give up on myself, and give into my disease.

Today, as the sun hides behind clouds, I realize that God allows me to fail, from time to time, so that I can rely on Him to pick me back up. He has given me a desire to follow Him and soul of courage to trust myself to do so. When I’m down, I’m still not out. He is the parent who blows a kiss on my scraped knee while His hands apply a needed bandage to my wounds. Holding His hand, I get back up to try again.

As He believes in me, may I believe in myself. I pray to not forget that I do not stand on my own. I have faith in myself, because He has not given up on me.

Romans 8:32, Since God did not spare even His own Son but gave Him up for us all, won’t God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else?

Step by Step

Romans 7:18, I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

It is important for me to remember who and what I am. I am a man; a sinful and flawed man, who is powerless over my addictions and compulsive behavior. Without Christ, my life is unmanageable. My step-work shows me how dark the road can get and reaffirms my need for His light along my path to sanity.

Recently, I’ve started doing the first three steps, every morning and anytime I feel urges to drink come along. These steps in particular give me proper pause enough to remember the simple truth: I cannot do this on my own. And bigger than that, I can’t do anything on my own. It’s only through the spiritual worship of turning my will and life over to the care of God, letting Him take the reigns, that I can stay on track. There’s a narrow path that He illuminates with His grace, love, and glory… I pray He continues to tug at my heart strings, so that I wont lose my way, Amen!

1 Corinthians 9:26, So I run straight to the goal with purpose in every step…

It’s Hell in the Hallway

1 Corinthians 7:26, Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain just as you are.

Whenever a door shuts, another opens. I’ve always stressed the hell that lies in the hallway and have usually faltered in my fear. But, the next door that He opens has always been exactly what I needed or have been ready for. Whether I knew it or not, He has guided my ever-forward momentum. With knowledge of the past and faith in my future, I let go and surrender to Him.

The only thing I fear is God. May the darkness and troubles of the hallways shrink in His light that illuminates from my heart and encompasses my soul. I am His and He dwells within me. Through Christ, all things are possible, He who gives me strength… Amen!

Exodus 15:13, “With unfailing love you will lead this people whom you have ransomed. You will guide them in your strength to the place where your holiness dwells.”

By Definition, I Believe

By definition Christ is the Messiah, as foretold by the prophets of Hebrew Scriptures. Also meaning, an ideal type of humanity. Christ is: Advocate, Anointed One, Creator, God, Good Shepherd, Jehovah, Light of the world, Lord, Mediator, Messenger, Only Begotten Son, Redeemer, Savior, and the Son. The Messiah by definition, was sent to save the human race from the sin it inherited through the fall of Man. He is the Anointed one; an appellation given to Jesus, the Savior.

John 1:17, For the law was given through Moses: God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ.

John 1:41, The fist thing Andrew did was to find his brother, Simon, and tell him, “We have found the Messiah!” (Which means the Christ).

John 4:25, “I know the Messiah will come- the one who is called Christ. When He comes, He will explain everything to us.”

Acts 10:36, I’m sure you have heard about the Good News for the people of Israel – that there is peace with God through Jesus Christ, who is Lord of all.

Romans 1:4, And Jesus Christ, our Lord, was shown to be the Son of God when God powerfully raised Him from the dead by means of the Holy Spirit.

Matthew 5:17-20, Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

By my definition, Christ is love. With my heart filled will love (Him), it guides me to His arms as I’m lead to believe.

Blessed Children are We

Luke 20:38, So He is the God of the living, not the dead. They are all alive to Him.

Researching birthing options with my wife, I’ve been learning a lot about the connection between mother and child, at the time of birth. There is a chemical and hormonal, not to mention the obvious physical bond, between mother and child as the baby travels down the birth canal and enters the world. That bond can be hindered and therefore lessened, by drugs like Pitocin, or by complications in delivery, requiring cesarean. Sometimes breastfeeding is difficult, due to the cut-off of this essential connection. Bottom line-apparently, natural is best.

I think of my connection with Christ as I move ever closer down the canal toward a new life in Him where I will be reborn into His arms. It’s always been interesting to me, those people who never accept the need for God. Alone on their death bed, as they gasp their last shallow breath, do they reach out for the hand of their creator?

One of my grandfathers recently passed into the kingdom of the Lord. I can write about this truth as fact, not because he was a Southern Baptist preacher, but because he knew Jesus personally. In my grandpa Jansen’s final days, he did not move, talk, or even open his eyes anymore. My tired kin laid at home, under hospice care, and waited for his body to finally free his soul. My dad tells me that he, at last, opened his eyes and took a deep breath. He gasped in awe of what his eyes were shown and simply said, “Wow!”, before he exhaled his last bit of oxygen. Flat-lining with a smile is the way I hope to pass through the tunnel of light into the loving arms of my Lord.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that I hope and pray to live a clean, noble, humble, and natural life. God knows that I tried it my way. With constant prayer, being held responsible by my family, keeping good friends, reading the Word, and attending meetings and church regularly, I manifest innocence that encompasses my being. I want to pass naturally into the arms of my Father and be held to His bosom as He nurtures me at my newest point of true existence.

Mark 10:16, Then He took the children into His arms and placed His hands on their heads and blessed them.