Home Sweet

When your home is where He is,
There’s nothing that can stop this,
Big rock from spinning round and round,
In the palm of His hand.

Where the questions cannot stand,
Even through the test of time,
The reason why the sun can shine,
Inside His other hand.

As we band together on Calvary,
Every man will drop to their knees,
And place their hands in His.

We’ll feel His scars,
That took away ours,
And washed us clean,
With the love of His hands.

But when there’s no place like home,
The Father’s grace has shown,
That ours is right here,
In His hands.

Chad Phillippi

Passion of the Heart

Romans 12:10, Love eachother with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring eachother.

There was a time when people didn’t matter much to me, except what I could get from them.  Using my family, friends, co-workers, and strangers was a way of life for me.  I lied to everyone and hurt a lot of good hearted people who dared to stand closest to the eye of my raging storm.  Working was something I had to do to make the money I needed to get drunk and do whatever else I wanted.  Being good at my job, I excelled and made even more money.  The extra money was safely stored away for my nightly party fund.  Through all the partying, lying, cheating, and manipulating that I did back then, I see now that I had a huge void I was not only ignoring, but digging deeper.

Some very close friends, my parents, my brother, and my church all told me that they were worried about me at one time or another.  It took some time, but all their love, affection, and prayers finally broke through the Chad-made mental fog and exposed the painful hole that gaped open in my heart.  I was nursing a major concussion when the fog was thin enough to see through, but it was their ongoing care and worry that helped me regain a lost piece of myself.

Memories of almost everyone I know hugging me and thanking God that I was alive after my fall, had a powerful effect on me.  Being an extremely textile person who is controlled more by emotion than thought, the hugs I received truly aided me in a quicker physical recovery.  Today, I am a huge hugger.  I think it is very important to reach out and grab someone you care about, wrap your arms around them, and put yourself chest to chest.  It feels so amazing to close your eyes, breathe in the other person’s energy as they breathe in yours, send them your love, receive theirs, and just hold space together in a place of affection.  I never knew that such a simple, yet pure, gesture could help change my world.

2 Corinthians 9:14, And they will pray for you with deep affection because of the wonderful grace of God shown through you.

Tick-Tock

This life’s what I got,
I’ll take my shot,
To live for Him,
Swallow pride and give in,
Surrendering fully to His will.

To be fulfilled,
And to be lifted,
By God’s hand I’ve been gifted,
In many ways,
And it brightens these days,
That grow shorter with each passing moon.

No buffoon,
I know that time is against me,
In some missions.
A few visions have already passed me by.
My long lost friends know why,
I should have spoken to them,
About Him.

It can still be on my good side,
The tide of time I ride,
And there’s new ears out there to listen,
With the praises of God,
May their fresh eyes glisten.

And see the path that lies before their feet.
May we take to the street,
With passion and love,
That rises above,
Any delusions we had in our minds.

Through Christ may we find,
All the answers we need,
The absence of greed,
And abundance in His arms forever.

And where ever,
He sends me I will stand with honor,
By the grace of my Father,
Rising above any wall,
May my sling and rock fall,
Whatever giants stand before me.

Chad Phillippi

The Journey Leads to Him

2 Chronicles 15:7, But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.

I learned a lot in AA.  By digging deep within my past to make a moral inventory, I learned how to recognize and call myself on my crap.  The exercise was a huge take away from the program that I use still today.  There is so much of my past that made me the alcoholic that I was and am.  Being able to drink like a normal person is something I will never be able to do.  I’m finally OK with and past all that now; that’s been surrendered to God for some time.  When the urge comes up to have a drink, I can use the tools learned in AA to overcome it.  But I realize now that it’s only through the grace and strength that God gives me that I am able to do anything at all, with success.

Drinking bad coffee on cold, hard, folding chairs, I felt stuck in the past attempting to understand why I drank in the first place.  While attending meetings, I heard stories of how hopeless people once felt and all the awful things they did to one another in order to keep up with their addictions and to continue masking their pain, fear, shame, and ever-building resentments.  Occasionally, someone would talk about how they were doing well and share of their happiness.  It seems that there was a small few who actually had great stories of where they were NOW though.  Longing to hear present day accounts of how good it was going to be for me to continue down the road of sobriety, the meetings I attended sadly fell short.  Even when people did provide tales of strength and hope, it was typically a canned monologue.  They would share of how coming back to meetings made it possible for them to stay sober.  The meetings themselves were their “higher power”.  That’s where they found strength, and that’s how they stayed sober.  Meeting after meeting, I began to relate less and less to my peers of sad and broken alcoholics.

I searched, knowing there had to be sobriety out there that appealed to me.  There had to be people out there who knew Christ and had the same problems I did.  Wanting to know how they cope, I Googled Christian recovery, Christian AA, and anything else I could think of that would lead me to where I knew I belonged.  I belonged back in His arms, surrounded by His people.  I spent a year dealing with the past pain in my life, so, I knew why I drank and what my triggers were.  Not being one to hold space with pain, misery, and sorrow, I wanted to move forward in my recovery.

I did attend a few Alcoholics Victorious meetings, which I think are fantastic.  We first gathered and prayed to Jesus for wisdom and guidance.  Next, we gave praise to the Father and thanked Him for our sobriety.  Giving love through the Holy Spirit for His reach into and hold onto our hearts, we then sang a few hymns.  It was probably the greatest meeting I had ever attended.

I’ve been very busy with my reading, writing, new wife, job, and new life to really frequent too many meetings these days.  I attend church almost every Sunday and am getting more out of my time there than I ever had from attending any meeting.  I hold true to my meditations and near non-stop conversation with God.  I am grateful for the path that He led me down to reach the point I am at in this moment in time, I think I should make that clear.  God sent me to AA to get a great foundation and learn what I needed to learn to move through the pain of my past.  God dripped water on my dry tongue to remind me of my thirst for His word, His love, and to grow my relationship with Him.

There is only one way to salvation, sanity, and sobriety.  They way is Christ, who gives us strength.  I applaud anyone in AA, Alcoholics Victorious, or any treatment program.  God has us right where we need to be in this exact moment.  Christ Jesus is the true Higher Power, and all roads will lead to Him.  May you find Him now.

Job 22:28, What you decide on will be done, and light will shine on your ways.

He is My Strength

Psalms 73:26, My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever.

Flickering candle light causes shadows to dance on the otherwise bare walls. Silhouettes of house plants fill in the gaps between antique bookshelves and iron rod picture tables. I stare at the JVC label on the base of the television as my nightly routine begins to unfold. My eyes drift away from the violent scenes of, Fight Club. My favorite movie is muted so The Pixies album can be pumped through the surround sound speakers. Attempting to refocus on the book that now lay in my lap, I maximize the limits of my ADD. The loop of my twelve-hour work day needs to fade from my mind. Everything required to numb my senses lay on the Tuscan style coffee table before me. I turn the dingy page with a wet thumb and sigh of boredom. Reaching for the freshly loaded marijuana pipe, I stop my hand to rethink the order of my self-medicated mixology. Even the pain of failed relationships won’t be able to touch me soon. ” Wine first,” I whisper, to the familiar shadows that do not judge me.

Not known for sipping, a large gulp slides down my throat with a slight pinch and tingle on the pallet. Warm, maroon colored Terrazzo, has a bite. Biting back, I take another gulp. It warms my belly. Requiring slight concentration, my hand moves on to the half-full pack of smokes that lay open on the walnut-finished table top. Squinting against the orange flame of the Bic lighter, I ignite the white tip of the Camel Light. The flushed skin of my face glows amber from the cherry of the cigarette, as I pull a drag. Smoke primes my lungs for the cold pipe waiting patiently on the soft wood surface. I close one eye to aim my burning cancer stick toward the dirty ashtray. After taking a few hits off the hand blown, glass pipe, I melt into my comfy couch. Perfect, I think, exhaling a final white cloud that floats to the ceiling. Resembling a spirit, the vapor dissipates.

Waves crash 100 yards from the open window behind me. A South wind off Puget Sound cuts into the living room, bringing the smell of salt water with it. The humid summer night invites me to venture out through the near by, Point Defiance Park. Turning a deaf ear to its beckoning, the light goes dim around me. I sink back into my world of resentment and self-assured loneliness. Heavy eyelids slowly applaud the approach of their final curtain call. A bottle of Le Sera lays empty at my feet. I’m too tired to continue chain smoking. Power buttons are pressed giving rest to vibrations heard through my neighbors’ wall mounted China. Closed-Caption types out Brad Pitt’s monologue to Edward Norton. “You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your khakis…” My long eyelashes intertwine and the text repeats itself, white on black, scrolling through my mind. I am asleep on the broken in sofa. A fire hazard of unattended Party Light door prizes still tango with shadows on the textured walls.

I am not my job. I’m not how much money I have in the bank. I’m not the car I drive. I am not the contents of my wallet. I am not my khakis. And I am not strong enough to stop the rotation of the downward spiral. Lowering His little finger into my life, the record stopped. He woke me from the perpetual “Groundhog Day”.

This story is my past. His light guides my future. I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength, Philippians 4:13

It Goes a Long Way

Isaiah 65:24, Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear.

I’m beginning to love to pray again.  For the past year, I’ve been very into my ongoing conversations with God that I have forgotten to actually pray.  It’s been a huge blessing to cultivate a relationship with the Father in the way we have grown closer through this time together.  I feel now though that He’s calling me to pray, and pray hard.  I still enjoy my morning meditations where I simply hold space with Christ and whisper my “good mornings”.  I definitely don’t feel like anything needs to change or be taken away from the foundation that is already constructed.  Right now I’m laying solid bricks of prayer requests with mortar of grace hardened with the blood of the Lamb.

I began praying again as if singing my gratitude list on the winds of the Holy Spirit.  Praying for my immediate family led to my closest friends, which led to my colleagues, then touched on my church family.  Next, I prayed for my roommate, my boss, and just about everyone I could think of.  They were not simple prayers where I just named names and asked the Father to bless them.  I tried my hardest to think of specific needs for each and every person and asked God to touch them in those areas of their lives.  The feeling was overwhelming and purely contagious.  After about 20- 30 minutes of unselfish prayer, I felt confident that I covered most of the world with warm wishes and high hopes.

I was trying to figure out exactly why I quit praying in the first place.  What my little brain offered up in internal dialogue scared me a little with its presumption and near arrogance.  Being completely frank, I thought that everything from beginning to end was already known by the Lord, therefore, carved in stone.  He knows the outcome, so my actions are all predestined.  I assumed that I had no choices and my life was already road mapped for me.  This is most likely why I rebelled so hard, for so long.  In my rebellion, I realized that I was actually making choices… the wrong ones.  It’s easy to lose sight of a goal, when our focus is blurred by own decisions.  By ignoring God, I was choosing my own path.

This realization that we do indeed have choices, was a huge turning point for me.  Before knowing this truth, I also thought people did not change.  How could they if they were mere insects eating their way through a God made ant-farm of universal proportions?  I lost a lot of years to self-manifested defeat.  Perhaps someone prayed for me and God answered by tripping me on a cliff side.  Even after waking up in ICU, I was still presented with choices.  Two were the most clear: keep partying and continue down this road, or turn back to God and walk along the path He lights for me.  In my healing which led to my recovery, it was not easy, but I made the wise choice.

I pray that everyone reading this takes a moment to think about the choices we are presented with every day.  We have our way, and then there is God’s way.  We can find and understand His way through prayer.  During prayer, God sometimes answers us by being the conscience we need when we need it, or by guiding our mothers hand to call us at just the right time, or the traffic light turning red so we avoid a fatal accident.  We may not understand the why’s, and it’s not our job to.  So, let us choose to pray for each other, pray for the best, and pray for wisdom to keep praying.

Psalm 145:18-19, The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth.  He fulfills the desires of those who fear Him; He hears their cry and saves them.

Hopeful

2 Corinthians 7:10, For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow…

The list of heartache in my life is just as long as the extensive list of hard lessons I’ve had to endure to become the man I am today. In the moment of loss or uncertainty; when I’m gripped by fear of the future, it’s easy to hold space with hopelessness. I’ve done it countless times. But hopelessness is just a word to me now that I’m saved by grace. Its definition is truly blank in the dictionary of my mind.  Staying locked in the position of the present moment and offering up the future to the One who allows it to unfold is how I manifest the patience He’s called me to learn.  It definitely was not always this way though…

Thinking back to the days I was out having “fun”, getting drunk and running the streets, I can see now that God allowed me to hit my rock bottom for His purpose.  It’s only from down at the lowest point of our own cavern of pain that humans tend to want the glimmer of light they see peeking over the top.  It honestly makes me sad to think that for years, the only times I called out to God was when I was hurting.  Putting myself in self-destructive situations time and time again, I took for granted His unconditional hand of love.

The upside is, He was always there.  Through every night I ever laid my head on my pillow broken-hearted, or spinning through a black-out, or alone in a jail cell, He was holding me as I slept and kissed my forehead in the morning.  I did everything but earn His love, yet He was always there to give it.  It was because of some of my hardest times that I remembered how good it is to rest my head in my Fathers chest and weep.

I thank you, God, for always being with us in times of trials.  Your loving Spirit, that brings us back to grace, is more than we deserve.  I pray that we will continue to call on you during our lows and remember to praise your name through all of our highs.  Amen.

Philippians 4:12-13, I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do everything through Him, who gives me strength!

Child of Love

1 John 4:7, Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God.

A friend once told me that what other people think about me is none of my business. With this in mind, I try not to let what others do or say affect my emotions. Before meditating on that simple truth, it was pretty easy for me to allow my feelings to be hurt when someone didn’t act in a way I expected them to. Another simple truth and profound meditation for me is to hold space with the knowledge that I am a child of God who was made and called to do one thing: love. God is love and to love is to be like Christ. Having enough faith to move a mountain or walk on water may or may not be in me. I do, however, have enough faith to believe that Jesus wants me to do for others as He has done for me: show unconditional love. Expectations are the path to resentments. And expecting love from others has proven to be futile. I can’t make anyone love me, respect me, or even treat me the way I want to be treated. The only thing I can do is love them the way I would want to be loved: His way, each person, every time, throughout every day. It can be a huge challenge, but I can do it with His help.

John 15:16-17, You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other.

O Captain

James 1:5-6, If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

As creatures of choice with out regard of consequences, I think that we search too hard to find the “why’s” that surround us in the vast ocean of existence. Risking every relationship, glimmer of hope, and even happiness it self, we set our eyes and point the bows of our vessels to a horizon that has no shape or grasp. Dissecting mysteries and calculating desires, the wonder and magic of the present wearily sails past us.

It is not my job to discover planets that drift through a galaxy I’ll never swim in. I was created to worship and praise God by raising sails to power my relationship with him onward. Offering up control of the tiller to the hand of Jesus as I experience the wind in my hair, the moisture on my face, and the blood race through my veins is enough of the “why” for me to rig my mast with a square knot of grace.

I believe that all the questions we hold in life will be answered, when we are in the kingdom of heaven. When I fellowship with my friend, my creature, my Lord, and my God, the “why’s” will be offered to me. In the present time, I’m content in knowing that His compass points true North, while He stands by me now.

Hebrews 11:1, Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

To the King

Living in the world,
In patience I can wait,
Longing for its owner,
His hand guides my fate.

Surviving on the mother,
I long inside to show her,
My heart standing for love,
And all I have to offer.

The Father and His kingdom,
Unlock our present freedom.

Bondage now released,
As we share His feast,
Gathering around the table,
Of Christ our Lord.

The God of man,
Who’s blood washed clean,
The sin on the surface,
And secrets still unseen.

I swept away my idols,
Taking Gods servant,
As my title;
I wear it proudly on my sleeve.

His spirit will not leave,
Even the darkest shadows,
Quiver in belief.

He takes back my soul,
And now that I’m fulfilled,
His craftsmanship can build,
Off the grace,
Of His Holy Spirit,
As He so wills it.

I find myself locked in,
I bear His mark,
His seal that binds me,
In God’s book of life,

And so,
Without strife,

As I rejoice,
I choose to sing it,
Hallelujah Jehovah
I sing amen to my King!