No Locked Doors

My bare back rests against soft flannel sheets that fit snugly over a fluffy pillow-top mattress. Embraced by the darkness, I am alone with the thoughts that challenge much needed sleep and welcomed dreams. The temperature under my down comforter invites a coma like state, but I just can’t seem to achieve it with the swimming pool of “what to do’s,” and, “what I haven’t done’s,” floating past my closed eyes lids. No amount of dancing sheep can save me from the numbers on my glowing alarm clock that rapidly increase against my will. I imagine the clock is a bomb that will detonate once it reaches 08:00. The distraction does not help me to drift away to a dream land in which I can save the day any faster though, so I let it drift into the night that still holds me awake. Anxiety builds within my chest as I begin to pray for a release from my own mind. A prison that I must come to terms with. It is more secure than Alcatraz, better protected than any military installation, and I can never escape, alone.

Instantly I feel the calming presence of the Lord around me, the swimming thoughts and memories sink as His hands lift me up from the depths of my despair and solitude. I begin offering up pieces of myself that would otherwise also weigh me down. Instead of asking the Father to take certain things from me, such as the desire to drink or smoke cigarettes, I offer them to Him. I then ask Christ to fill the void with His peace and His presence. A list of every hurtful desire arises within my brain until I nearly call out to Him in the night without humiliation or shame. Spilling over each downfall I hold on to somewhere within myself, I give them one by one to God almighty. I see myself as if looking down from my bedroom ceiling. My warm body looks like Swiss cheese, but I still give more. The Lord openly takes my guilt, pain, shame, pride, humiliation, neglect, and self-indulgence. He begins to fill me up with Himself. Seeing it with my minds eye, it is still hard to believe, but I see it! The many holes within me are filling up, being replace by the One who holds all the keys and the One who opens all doors.

Waking the next morning, I try figuring out what time I must have finally drifted off to sleep. It does not matter though as I feel more rested and more awake and more alive than I have felt in years. Crawling out from under the heavy covers and off my soft mattress, I fall to my knees on the cold floor. I give thanks and praise to the One who freed me from my prison. A voice is present, not in my ears, but with in my heart. Feeling its presence and touching its words, it speaks to my very soul. “I am always with you and through Me you are free.”

Romans 6:14, Sin is no longer your master, for you are no longer subject to the law, which enslaves you to sin. Instead, you are free by God’s grace.